Scared

I'm scared of a lot of things. But, right now I'm thinking of how I am scared to have kids and watch them grow up and leave. I'm growing up fast, and sometimes and I stop and think about how my mother feels. I bet she's sad and doesn't exactly love the fact that I'm growing up so fast. It makes me sad to think she is sad. I do want kids though, there is no doubt about that. I'm just a little scared to deal with them growing up and leaving me all old and ugly.
Those are my thoughts for the night.

Army

Well, it's official. Matt is part of the army now. He leaves for his boot camp / training in March. He will be gone 6 long months. Half a year. I still can't wrap my head around it. What will I do while he's gone? I suppose I should come up with a few things to keep me busy while he's gone. Between the emails, letters, and care packages I will only have school work and regular work to keep me occupied. Hopefully they do the trick. My last 2 semesters at FCC should be keeping me extremely busy, but we'll see if they actually do  or  not. I suppose I could start up a workout routine. I should do that, and I hope I do. It would be nice to be in good shape since Matt will be coming home in excellent shape. It makes me sad to think about him leaving, but I know it is for the best. He's happy, and that's all that matters. After I finish college I will of course be going to wherever he is, maybe it will be a different country! Wouldn't that be cool? Being a teacher should give me plenty of job opportunities wherever I go. We'll always need teachers (I hope). I'm so proud of Matt, he's such an awesome person. He is going to be working with communication stuff. Like satellite communication wherever he is deployed to. I think that's a great job and it's going to do him well in the long run. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy for now because he's home. Especially happy that he will be home for Christmas. But, I know I will be sad when he leave and I'm scared of what my feelings will do to me when that time comes. I'm a strong person, but I do rely a great bit on Matt. He's my best friend, and it will be terribly hard to be away from him for so long. I won't be able to kiss him for 6 months. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! Ahhh. This is my life now and I am going to get used to it. I'd do anything for Matt, and I will do anything for Matt. Simple as that.

Eat, Pray, Love

Have you ever seen the movie Eat, Pray, Love? Or read the book? I've only seen the movie. Last week was my first time watching. I had never thought it would be a good movie when it came out, I didn't really like Julia Roberts. To much surprise I have found that I am completely in love with this movie! The movie made me happy, and sad while I watched- and those are the best movies. Her life was hard, yet beautiful at the same time. She was a messed up woman, she got divorced, had a fling with a younger man, and traveled the world. It was truly wonderful to watch, and I'd very much like to own it. We will see what Christmas brings :)

What did I do on my birthday?

Well, my birthday is officially over. And let me say it was definitely one to remember.  My day began well, I dressed all nice in a light wash pair of skinny jeans, a black rippled shirt, a grey sweater matched with a black belt, and to tie it all together my grey and black vans. It was a rainy day so I left my hair in its curly state. My makeup looked as good as it was going to get and I was ready to take on the day. School went well, my classes were.. well it was school, so what do you expect? On my break between classes I opened my presents from Matt. He was very thoughtful in his presents and it meant a lot; he really noticed stuff I had been pointing out in the store. After my last class Julie and I headed off to the mall. There I got my cartilage pierced (picture below), and had a bra fitting - found out I went up a size .. cool! Then we headed back to her car and I opened her presents, also very well thought through. They were all great. Matt then picked me up from the mall and we headed off to dinner. Panera bread was my choice, where I got my usual - half a tuna sandwich and a salad. After our dinner date we were off to a concert! My first concert in fact! Primus 3D. The music was great - I really enjoy the band. I could have done without the moshing and pushing though. We ate, once again, and I hop before heading home. I was pooped and immediately fell asleep. That leads me to this morning. Matt and I headed out the door again, but this time to downtown Frederick. Remember that tattoo appointment I had? Well today was the day! I walked in around 12:20 and had to wait till closer to 1 to actually begin the process. I laid down on the table, grabbed tight on Matt's hand and held my breath through the pain. It wasn't too bad, but definitely not the pain I was expecting. (I will also include a pic below). It turned out great and I love it so much! Now I'm laying in bed in a pair of silky pj's that Matt got me. I have tests tomorrow so I better go. Goodnight!

Big sister

My baby sister is out on a date RIGHT NOW. It's weird! She's not even a baby. She's not even a baby, she's 16. I was dating by 16, so it's normal for her to. She didn't even tell me about it! I can't blame her. I'm not there a lot, and we're not the closest of sisters. We're still in the fighting and arguing stage. It'll probably take a while to get out of that. I hope she tells me stuff like this from now on though. I asked her to give me details when she gets back. We'll see if she does. I wish we were closer. I'm pretty protective, I didn't like the idea of her dating before, but now I just want her happy and more occupied. She's too into her school work, she never gives it a break. She needs to enjoy her freedom years while she still can. I think she's home now!

Published?!

Yesterday I received my poetry portfolio back from my Creative Writing professor. I received an A on the over all project, but that's nothing too special. The big thing to me was that on the grading sheet he circled one of my poems and said that it should be published. Maybe this isn't a big deal, but it totally is to me. What's even better is that it was a poem I had written almost a year ago. I didn't alter it or add anything to it. It was raw, and personal, and he thinks it's publishing material. I'm just proud of myself. I always wonder if I'm actually good at what I love or if I just love it. It feels amazing to see that I'm actually good at what I love. Also, I definitely will be having the poem published.

No more help needed.

I found a name. Both Lindsey and I agreed on the name nașă (Na-sha). It is Romanian for Godmother. Since I am Aubrey's Godmother, it works perfectly. I can't wait till Aubrey is walking around calling me nașă! Did I mention she took her first steps the other day? SHE DID! It's so crazy to watch people grow up.   Just yesterday Lindsey had a huge ball under her shirt with little Aubrey inside. I can't believe she's already starting to walk. Time really does fly.

Help me!

I need a name for my God daughter to call me. Linds wants Aubrey to refer to me as an aunt. The only problem is Lindsey's sister is Maddie too! Aubs can't have 2 aunt maddies that's confusing. I can't be creative right now for some reason. Aunt in Lithuanian is Teta, but that's weird haha. Input is welcome

Gloomy

I need to make some changes in my life. Maybe I need to teach myself to be more independent because later on when things get rough for me I will be by myself for the most part. My boyfriend is literally the only person I can rely on to be there for me at all times. When he leaves for his training I will pretty much have no one and I have to prepare myself for that. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I need to start soon or I'm doomed for tears and depression. Sorry if this is gloomy. I'm gloomy tonight.

Chest

I need to get something off my chest.

    I hate my best friend's boyfriend.


That's all. Goodnight.

Last thoughts before bed.

Matt meets with someone to talk about joining the army reserves tomorrow. I'm uneasy on the subject, but he is excited to pursue this and all I want is for him to be happy. It will be hard to be away from my best friend for a long period of time, but as he says, it's nothing compared to forever. I'll live. I'm a strong individual, but I never realized how much I truly rely on him. He's my go to guy when things get rough at home, so I'm not sure where I will go when things get sticky while he is gone (and things will get sticky). Just ranting my thoughts before bed. I don't want to start crying so I'll stop here.

Goodnight.

FALL!

It's fall! I'm so glad the leaves are starting to change and the air is getting colder! Tomorrow is October 1st can you believe it? I can't! Time really does fly. But I'm not complaining. I even had to wear a scarf the other day - and I was still cold! I love it! Pumpkins are on display at work and apple cider is becoming a popular sale item. I can't wait to buy some myself. Maybe it's a bit too soon though. I want the weather to be at a constant low of 60's before I go buying all this fall stuff. With fall comes sweaters (my favorite) and boots and scarves and gloves and hot drinks! I'm just so excited sitting here thinking about all of this. And the best part.... I will NOT be working Halloween night! How great is that? If you're a Halloween lover like me, it's pretty great news. I wonder if I will go to a Halloween party this year or not. Last year I was waiting tables all night so it wasn't possible - but maybe this year! Who knows. If I do go though- i'll need a costume, and that will be one big difficult decision to make.

It's funny..

It's funny how immature some grown ups are when you go to a party or get together hosted by older people. When I say older I don't mean old, I just mean older than me. Most of these people were in their 30's or 40's and some were even older than that. Of course there was drinking at this party - which I'm not saying is a bad thing. These people are all of age to drink, so who cares. But, how drunk they were did surprise me. It was kind of disgusting really, seeing parents like that. Maybe it's normal. I wouldn't know, my parents never got drunk in front of me, maybe never even got drunk away from me. Because of this I've always just looked down on parents getting "wasted". I know I won't be one of those parents at a party getting wasted. I wouldn't want my children to see me that way and I wouldn't want others to think of me that way. I'm not much into disorienting my self anyway. I like my brain to be in an all knowing state at all times. I like to know what's going on and I like to be in full control of it. I'm glad I'm this way, I love it actually. I love being smart, I love knowing, and I love feeling mature and in control. Just sometimes I wonder what these people are thinking - or if they are thinking. Maybe you'll think I'm stuck up - I'm not. I'm nice, and I accept people for how they are. Maybe you'll think I'm no fun - I am. I'm funny and I love a good time.  I am just very opinionated - and since when is that a sin?

Tattoo - soon

It is just now hitting me that in 2 weeks I will be getting ink hammered into my skin by a little needle. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I am sure that I will be completely fine, I mean obviously I'm not going to die. I suppose I'm just scared because I am completely in the dark about how this will feel. I'm positive it will hurt - a lot, but I usually handle physical pain well. I chose my right side toward the top of my rib cage  for the spot of this tattoo. I've heard that your rib cage is one of the most painful spots. I'll probably cry ha. I'll post pictures and a tell all about my first experience once it's done! October 16th is creeping up on me!

Good news!

Good news! My best friend / mother of my god daughter, Lindsey is finally moving into her dads house! I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for so long ha ha. I'm so proud of her for standing up for herself and Aubrey. I found this wonderful news out on Wednesday afternoon/night when we all go together and I was beyond joyed! I love how happy Lindsey looks.. I'm so glad she's made this decision.

some pictures:

Dream Life

I'm writing a lot tonight. Much more than usual. Since when is that a bad thing, though?


Let me describe for you my dream life.
Here it goes.

I hope to finish school in the next 3 years. By that time I would love to be engaged and on my way to marriage. I hope to have a job teaching High School English. Preferably an honors class where I can teach of Poe. I hope to live in a town house while saving up for my own home with my boyfriendt, Matt. My townhouse will be decorated nicely. It will bring a relaxing feeling over those who walk inside. My home will always smell nice and feel warm .. or cool if it is during the summer. Dark warm colors will fill all crevices and leather couches will sit on the floors. I want my basement to be decorated with nature apparel and sports memorabilia. After I'm married I hope to have at least 3 children. Definitely one of each. My children will hopefully love to do crafts, act crazy funny, and be happy for the majority of the time. I'd love to live somewhere where it is fall weather all year long, but we will see if that actually happens. It won't be the end of the world if it doesn't. I want to live in a house surrounded by nature. Trees galore. I want beautiful pottery to decorate my walls and shelves, and pictures and or paintings to fill the empty gaps. I don't think my dream life will be hard to accomplish. It will happen, I hope.

I hope I get the chance to look back on this in the future and see what I had wanted at this time.

Ethnicity

I love this picture a lot. The deep wrinkles on his face and his stern facial expression illustrate his intelligence and strength perfectly.  I have some American Indian in me. I'm not sure how much. It's definitely on my fathers side, and there is said to be some on my mothers side. That must be where I get my dark skin from since all of the other ethnicity's in my family are fair skinned. I'm so intrigued by my own and others ethnic backgrounds.

My other ethnic backgrounds that we are sure of are,

Lithuanian
Russian
Swedish
Irish
English
German
Native American
French

And I think that's it.

The Grey

The Grey

Sole ancestor of the dog,

Yet bigger, stronger, scarier.

Dirt trembles beneath its paws,

as he lurches through the forest.

The wolf travels in a pack,

with many siblings to back him up.

A shy creature,

He avoids confrontation as much as possible.

He’s cautious of his surroundings,

And knows where you are at all times.

But, a break of a twig and you are a threat.

You are now prey.

The “big bad wolf”,

just got worse.

You cannot run,

They’ll out run you.

You cannot hide,

They’ll find you.

You can fight,

But they’ll beat you.

You’re scared.

And you should be.

With amber eyes that look deep in your soul,

and a growl that echoes in your heart.

The Grey Wolf.

No one steal this, I'm very proud of my work. 

Love yourself

I think it's important for people to love themselves. Of course, you've probably heard that many times before. Really though, if you hate yourself how can you expect anyone to take the time to constantly remind you of how beautiful you are. Yes, I love to hear my boyfriend tell me I'm pretty or if I look good, but I don't NEED to hear it from him every day. If I look at myself in the mirror I see things I don't like, but more importantly, I see things I DO like. I see things I love.
I'll name them:

my eyes (mostly my eyes) 
my lips
my teeth
my hair
my cheek bones
my tan skin
I like how smart I am, and how responsible I love to be. 
I also like how mature I am becoming through the years. 

There is more, but I don't want to go on about that. Anyways, I just think it's important to like yourself. So many girls hate their appearance and develop major issues because of that unnecessary hate they have for themselves. 
So, how about every once in a while you name the things you like about yourself. 

Growing up

  Growing up means leaving things behind, but at the same time new and better things are gained.


I have noticed this past year Julie and I have grown farther apart while Matt and I have grown closer and closer. Don't get me wrong, Julie is still my best friend and always will be, but I think as people grow up they become more focused on their significant others. Some may think that fact is stupid, but I think it makes perfect sense. Yes, friends are extremely important to have. BUT you won't marry them and have babies with them will you? The answer is usually no. So, of course it is natural to become closer with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Julie and Jordan seem to always be together any second they can. This almost always pisses me off, but then sometimes I think; aren't I always with Matt any chance I get? YES I am haha. It's just what you do when you're in love, and I have to keep more of an open mind about that. Sitting here, thinking, and  typing it makes perfect sense, but sometimes when I'm lost in the moment my anger can get the best of me.  I am extremely happy and very hopeful for an everlasting future with Matt. I love thinking about my / our future. Growing up is so fun. (in my opinion). Especially the love factor of it.

God mother

    I don't think I've announced on here that I am a god mother. So, I'm proud to say, I am  now a god mother. One of my best friend's Lindsey had a beautiful baby girl named Aubrey about 8 months ago, a few months back she and Aubrey's father decided on me as the god mother. I can't even describe to you in words how happy I was to receive such news. Today I got to spend time with Julie, Linds,  and Aube. Julie and I watched little Aubbers while Linds got her nails fixed, we all went to walmart, then ordered a pizza and headed back to my house. There we spent hours playing, talking and laughing. Then Aubrey got tired and cranky so it was time for them to go home. I got to be the bad guy that carried Aubs out to the car (she hates leaving). Surprisingly she remained calm until Julie and I kissed her goodbye. It's so adorable how attached she gets in just a few hours together. I love that little girl so much :) Below is a picture of here holding herself up using the couch in my basement today.

*ALSO I just found out today that I will be called "Aunt Maddie". I love that. I love everything. It feels so amazing to love everything going on in your life. I really have no complaints.

That is all. (for now).

Today - this is a lot.

A lot happened today. To begin, Matt and I went to dunkin donuts. I got a an apple fritter and a pumpkin flavored coffee (So good). Matty got a pumpkin flavored coffee as well, and some sort of sandwich, YUCK in my opinion. Afterwards Matt dropped me off at home and headed off to work. I slowly stepped into the house, which I thought I had to myself for the day, and realized my younger sister was home. Now, for a normal person that would be fine. A lovely sisterly bonding day perhaps. In my case, this was bad news. My sister and I rarely get along, and I very much enjoy my alone time. So, upon finding out she was home all day, I was upset.
  I began my eventful day by working on a group project that is due tomorrow for a 9:30 AM class. Of course, being the un trusting person that I am, I assumed full responsibility for getting everything ready. There  has only been one other instance in which I allowed a English 102 friend to bring in our group project. Anyways, my group members emailed me their information and I put together several "prezzis" to present to the class. May sounds easy, but it took longer than you may think. Then I gathered parts of each presentation and created a mini quiz to give to my fellow classmates tomorrow morning. (I'm sure they will just LOVE that). All of this took me about 3 hours, including the occasional Twitter or Facebook break.
        Next I went to go shower. Didn't take me long, but it was much needed. Then, I resumed my position in front of my laptop and took on my second task of the day, editing my short paper that is also due tomorrow. I wrote this paper on the short story The Fall of The House of Usher, by Edgar Allen Poe (one of my favorites). By the time I finished it was nearing 2 o' clock and my mother had arrived home early from a meeting. More people to clutter the house on my only day off from work.
       I got dressed, slapped on my pretty face and headed out the door to go grocery shopping. But, oh no, I forgot my phone. I jumped out of the car and ran back to the house to quickly grab it. Sounds easy enough, right? No - I slipped on the smooth garage floor and smacked down straight on my tail bone. I was instantly numb and cut my hand in the process. My day was becoming better and better!  I eventually got up and got my phone then headed back to the grocery store. The weather had been crappy all day, but there was no real rain. I grabbed 2 boxes of pierogies from the frozen foods section, a container of pre-cut asparagus, polska kielbasa and a small bowl of feta cheese. (I had volunteered to make dinner tonight). Brent noticed I cut my hair while I was scanning my items at the self check out, which struck me as strange considering he is a middle aged man. Anywho, I finished that and headed out the door. Once again, my luck came back and it was POURING. And when I say pouring, I mean it. I tried to wait it out with an elderly couple, but it just wouldn't let up. I toughened up and ran out into the rain. I got to my car and was completely soaked. Water was dripping down my face and soaking through my jeans.
     I made it home in one piece and got back to work. I had to clean my room now. Let me give you a little background information on my room, it's always messy. It literally looks like a tornado came through more than half the time. While cleaning, I smashed the inside of my right foot on an open dresser drawer. Now I have a pretty little bruise to show for it. Sad, I know. So, I cleaned my room up, did 2 loads of laundry, and hauled my butt back upstairs to make dinner.
     I boiled the pierogies, cut the veggies, grilled up the asparagus, fried the kielbasa in a pan and then set it all up for dinner just in time for Matt to arrive. Now the family was hungry and it was time to dig in. I think they liked it, they ate it all at least. I liked it, if that counts. I've attached a picture of my good ol' Lithuanian meal.

   After dinner, Matt and I headed down stairs to do some homework. He had math to do, and I had 3 poems to write. Poems are my love, so I didn't mind. We finished, Matt headed out the door for his home, and then I cuddled up in a chair with a lit candle and finished my very last homework assignment. Finally, I was done!
       I then folded a bunch of clothes, put them away in their correct spots, and now here I am, typing. And loving every second of it.
    I suppose I should go to bed though. I have to wake up before 6 to shower and get ready for school.
Goodnight!

Back

I have not blogged in a while. Not that anyone reads it anyways, but I feel badly for neglecting it. Maybe I will come back and stay.

But what does it mean to be in love?

I'm in love! I really am. But, what does it mean to be in love? I wonder if anyone really knows. I feel as though different people will always have different explanations about this world wide disease. I think that being in love is when you continuously go every day thinking about the same person for at least 3 months, because any time before that could simply be a crush. You must actually know and talk to this person, celebrities don't count AT ALL. I find it very creepy when people are "in love" with celebrities. I feel like there cannot be love with out passion. I'm not saying you can't be in love if you don't have sex, but there has to be some sort of physical connection. You must be able to be yourself around this person. You must share secrets, cry in front of them, and occasionally get mad at them. A relationship cannot be real if neither of the people get mad every once in a while. The person must make you happy. You have to know and understand the little things about each other. And when things get rough, you must never choose to give up. I'm not sure why I choose these reasons to describe being in love, but somewhere along the path of my young life I picked them out. And that's how I know I'm in love.

Last night

   I spent last night with my boyfriend. Once I arrived, he excitingly showed me all of his new cassettes that he had gotten from goodwill. He then led me down stairs to show me some new songs he had been working on with his guitar. The first was a bad ass little solo to a song that he had already created. The second song was much different, though. The second song was for me, and it was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. The song talked all about how he never wants to be without me, and included comical parts about Terminator, Robbin Williams, and I think a trailer park (haha). I, being the baby I am, couldn't help but cry while he was playing his song. I feel so lucky to have someone that loves me so much that they make songs about me while their up late at night with nothing to do. Matt then coaxed me into singing along with him. I never ever sing aloud for someone unless I'm jokingly singing in a silly voice, or if the music is so loud that it is almost impossible to hear what my actual voice sounds like. But, in this situation there were only the quiet strums of the guitar in the background. At first, I was reluctant to try and kept giggling, but then I pushed past my fear and actually belted out my not so good singing voice for Matt. I may not be the best singer, but I think it made him happy that I did it just for him.
That is all.

25 Cent Kiss

A 25 cent kiss is no ordinary kiss.

It is not a peck like chickens searching the ground for food.

A 25 cent kiss is slow,

 It’s soft,

It’s inviting,

 It’s exhilarating,  

It’s gentle,

It’s giving,

It’s sweet,

I never knew what a 25 cent kiss was like

Something as cheap as a quarter should not be as perfect as un touched nature.

But it is

And you taught me this, and I will never forget. 

About a week ago Matt jokingly asked me for a 25 cent kiss. I gave him a quick peck on the lips. He, frustrated, told me that the kiss I had given him was no 25 cent kiss. So, I asked him to show  me what a 25 cent kiss was. He then held my face in his hands and slowly kissed me. Our lips melted together. Chills were sent all throughout my body, and I wanted more. But there was no more. That short and simple, yet not so simple, kiss was a 25 cent kiss. And I will never forget the feeling. And I will never stop asking him for more 25 cent kisses. 

What defines a best friend

This is my best friend Julie and I. Julie has been my best friend ever since I can remember. We did have an off  period though, So we are not completely perfect. We've been on as best friends since 8th grade. She's my longest lasting relationship. 5 years and still going strong. I am 100% percent positive that Julie will be in my life until the day I die. It's funny, well more strange than funny, that the relationship I hold with Julie inspires me to believe in true love. If I can have such a strong relationship with Julie, then obviously it's possible to have a strong relationship with a man. Julie and I have ups and downs. We fight like cats at times, but always get over it. Our friendship lets me know that it's okay to fight, it's normal. So if I fight with a guy, it doesn't mean that we won't work out. I can go to Julie with anything. She knows my deepest darkest secrets. She's seen me at my worst. She's witnessed my heart break for the first time and helped pick up the pieces. She's seen me when i'm beyond mad. And she's been there while I've been pushed past my limit and forced to the point where I crack. I trust her with every fiber of my being, and I always will.

Next week

  Matt is leaving for South Carolina this coming Saturday at 3:00 A.M. He'll be gone for a week and I will be lonely for a week. I have friends, I swear! They are just always busy. I have Julie, who works extremely long and frequent hours at Kohls. Lindsey, Who is a new mom to a beautiful 6 month old daughter. Obviously she is always busy. I have Ali, who is sadly leaving this Friday. I have Nina who babysits every day of the week all day long. And, last but not least, I have Matt. Those are my best friends, the only people who come to mind when I want to be accompanied by someone else. I'd actually rather sit by myself than hangout with anyone else (haha) .. Sad, but true. I asked Kerie for more hours today at work, hoping to keep myself busy during this up coming week. Sadly, she declined.. The work schedule has already been made and she can't work me anymore until October. Ugh! I guess I will spend the week working the little bit I do, reading, watching random Tv shows, and sitting my ass in front of the computer.

Introverted

   I have noticed that I have very few friends. I choose to be this way surprisingly. When needed, I can be a very outgoing, friendly, and playful person. But, I mostly like to keep to myself. An ideal night for me is not going out to a party, but instead staying inside with a close friend and talking all night. I enjoy having abstract and intellectual conversations. If a person tends to be the more outgoing party animal type, I put barriers up between me and this person. Sure, I will be friendly and kind but there is no way in hell I will ever become close with them. I take life seriously, perhaps too seriously. I am more interested in my future career and life than wasting away my brain drinking and doing drugs. Maybe I'm boring or weird, but I like the way I live my life and I am very happy with the direction it is going.

"So much working, reading, thinking, living to do! A lifetime is not long enough." 

 Sylvia Plath 

I love this so so very much

Dear Maddie,

This is your first post.

Love,
Ali